20040606

Necessity... or "To-Cover-HIS-Ass-ity"?

22hrs 30mins of training! i for one surely dont think this is all necessary! i believe that all trainings especially in defence/security fields, are all about torturing the trainees to make them value each minute of their future surveillance stake-outs. besides playing God, instructors get to evaluate the trainees & man i hate subjective issues! but most of all... training exists to cover the *handler's* (recruiter/trainer/instructor) wide ass! so that if & when a *green* fucks up in the field, *handler's* will be cleared of any resposibility. great concept! & who really cares anyway? since almost 99.99% fuck-ups resulted with the *green*s either being suspended/discharged by the Company; or apprehended, detained & tortured by the *enemy*; or eliminated by whoever the *green* is bothering.
on my part, i need the training to stay alive. altho it sounds quite fascinating, the trainings are somewhat similar in what you see in Hollywood movies like "Bourne Identity" & "The Spy Game". the surreal part is those scenes are being played here in good old Klang Valley! the real part is the badgering i get from the verbal sarcasms dished out by HIM plus a few minor cuts and bruises from my dives, crawls, climbs, slips, falls, etc.
oh, & you know what. after 55hrs & 30mins of training, im yet to get a weapon. not even a pen knife was allowed on me. not even a pen for that matter! bare-handed, pockets emptied, & sometimes even bare-chested & bare-footed. HE calls it MEX.. Minimal Equiptment Exercise.
i wish i could continue on the flashback of my earlier life but not now. im actually having my very very very late supper, a couple of buns & a mug of chilled Milo, while i update this blog. im having a warm shower before going to bed. HE said: "Jez be on Standby". lets make it "Sleepby".

20040605

When The End Also Means The Beginning

guess what? if my 1st Training Day lasted 13hrs, yesterday it was 20hrs! No shit! if HE'd told me about this earlier i would've said no straight away!

20 hrs!?!?!? thats not training! thats torture!

you must be wondering watsup with the title huh? to quote HIM:
"You should be lickin' my dick, balls AND anus for givin you 4 hours rest! And before you get all excited, those fuckin 240 minutes are for you to freshen up for today's trainin. The end of yesterdays trainin marks the beginin of todays. It never ends, until you are deemed worthy, fit & able for your assignment." & here i am. typing blog at 0647hrs (at moment of typing), trying hard to stay awake.

know what? i dozed off a coupla minutes! too sleepy, but that fuckface told me to stay awake. HAH! let him try staying awake while waking me up! :-)

better shut off this thing before i fell asleep at the keyboard, & have fuckface discovering his new nick!

20040604

The Moment I Delivered THEIR *Baby*

if you might recall i was forced to go training since just before 2pm yesterday. it ended just slightly after 3am, after i had entered my house the way HE wanted me to enter. with full caution. & sad to say nothing happened as i shower, grabbed a bite & posted my blog. nuthin happened while i slept too. & nuthin happened so far this morning. HE said to be on standby, for HE might come in & drag my ass off any second to start my 2nd Training Day.

the 1st one started right the second i stepped out of my front door! talk about persistence! HE shot a couple of paint balls my way & i managed to dive for cover just in time. & as i brushed of the broken pieces of light bulb from my jacket i cant stop thinking how powerful his paint gun is... & how good a shooter HE is! HE's inside HIS car about 25m away... For God's sake! How could HE shoot the lightbulb with a tiny paint-shooter?

anyway its somewhat fun to be rolling & diving around, my mind flashed back to when i was still waist-high. how would i know being a James Bond could mean so much hard work? other than in bed, i mean. well, i'm rambling again. i gotta focus. how could i? too many things happening too fast!

think i'd better continue a bit about my background. lets get back to where we were earlier.. lets see...

oh yeah... my Govt job. so there i was doing everything by the book, knowing well enough that i have envious & ambitous young subordinates who would love to expose my misdeeds, should i make any. who can blame them? i showed everybody the way! remember that old adage? "he who kills by the sword.."

then out of the blue i had a "dubious Chinese Datuk" offering me enough money to buy my own island! i only had to, discreetly & unethically, forward his proposal to the selection committee, which will be presided by the DPM... & i'll have an 8-figure swiss bank a/c, in USD too!

but still, like i said, i wish id became a chef instead!

so what would YOU do if you had this opportunity?
let it go? yeah right!
you dont need to reshuffle the pile & put the Datuk's proposal on top, you jez need to put it on top of the pile! thats not law breaking in my book. but then why the generous fee?

i would 've sworn thats because its the timing that matters. putting it on the DPM's "IN" tray is 1 thing, putting it there just before he sits down to conduct the selecting process is another! so there i was... browsing through the *Amat Sulit* file. it looked very normal for the first few pages, until my eye caught the ominous term "weapons grade plutonium" on page 24 i think... im not ashamed to admit that i had to reread the whole thing from page 1, & only then did i realize what i had in my hands!

Yeah, there it was. How could i missed it on page 7, where it was 1st mentioned. & guess what? when i finally fully understood the document, i was shaking. my 1st thoughts were, what are these doing in our Ministry? i slowly connect the dots... by dawn the next day it had dawned to me that i'm in the middle of a humongous *thing*, in fact the life of this *thing* is literally in my hands (& unbeknownst to me, vice-versa). right now its still at a very early stage... *baby*, if u want.& i'm hired to ensure that this orphan *baby* gets a nice safe *home*. that's all! & my fee would be 8-figure, & in USD too! thats what murdered my conscience...

the next minute i was shaving, brushing & bathing for work. i made my decision & im not letting any inner voices or guilt hold me back from being a multi-millionaire! the morning went as smooth as usual, bar a few nuisance calls from a few billionaires. im not in the mood to give them my usual runaround-&-bargaining-before-i-sound-them-off. not today. not tomorrow. not ever, no more. im stepping onto the other side. i wont be needing a single under-table *handshake* for the rest of my life when i get this simple task done!

after lunch i kept vigil around the meeting room & thereabouts. DPM's portfolio secretary starts piling the files inside the "IN" tray. an aide brought a "late" file and hand it over to d secretary, along with the little yellow Post-It note clipped on the cover. when the secretary left the room i entered & went straight to my part of the table & took out the *baby* that i had to deliver from my briefcase. i took the Post-It note from its file & glanced at d message: "Dtk Seri, ini proposal terkini. Tiada dlm agenda." Perfect! it couldnt have been any other sort of message. thats the typical 1 you would find on "late" proposals in this type of meeting. nevertheless i had prepared my own Post-It, just in case there wasnt any "late" files in this particular meeting. the hard part was trying to copy the secretary's scrible. & since she had written almost identical to what i wrote, i used hers instead. after clipping the note on my *baby* i left it in the "IN" tray.

it took about 5 seconds to complete d task at hand! im sure it must've been among d highest bribe, in relation to d duration of me completing d mission. & as it was, i had about 5 minutes to spare before the rest of the committee bigwigs & bigcats trooped in. DPM arrived about 5 minutes later & the usual light chattering & bantering preluded the session, & as the murmurs toned down i cant stop myself from glancing at DPM who had just noticed my *baby* on top of all the other files in his "IN" tray. DPM took it, glanced at the note, & quickly opened it. his face ashened. he looked right & before he could look left (i'm on his left) i turned & started a light conversation of my own with my assistant on my left.

after completing my sentence i leaned back into my seat & stole a glance at DPM. he was putting my *baby* into his briefcase. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! & now i cant wait for my RM38,000,000. whatever transpired in that particular meeting went fleeting by in my mind. i find it very hard to keep my feet on the ground, even though at that moment i havent seen a sen yet from the bribe. at the end of the meeting DPM called for his secretary & i overheard DPM asking about THE file i named my *baby*. she said that she was the 1 who left it inside the tray. & that was that! it seems to me that DPM was not comfortable with this whole episode & he's pretty disturbed by the fact that his secretary could've gone through it. anyhow, its not a comforting sight. but i had to keep my cool & let things blow over, as quietly as possible.

who would've guessed that i, Deputy Director of an influential Dept in a powerful ministry, had just made US$2Million PER SECOND for a 5-seconds unethical task. & who would've thought that i, the prodigal holder of a couple of degrees, had forgotten & overlooked the fact that, as in all other highly confidential meeting rooms, there was a security CCTV camera recording my 5-second task.

*** HE juz calld & wants me 2b redy in 6 mins time! HEs comin @ 1010hrs! gtg!

End of 1st Training Day...

...or shud i say dat was jez a familiarization process! wat malaysian students wud call "majlis orientasi". yeah orientation alrite! i had to admit dat it was highly disorientating & i got disoriented quite a nuber of times! all in d name of training! i'm too pooped to continue typing at dis moment. iwill when i hav d time. & energy. if i get thru dis *training*! if im still breathing. on my own, i mean, breathing on my own! right now im jez too tired to think, too tired to shower, too tired to eat but had to do all those things. jez like typing dis blog. jez had to do it. but later. not now.

selamat malam.

20040603

Off To Training

bliv it or not im going for my training NOW! watever training it might b!
& u kno what? HE said he wont b in my house longer than an hour, & by d 59th minute.. HE's already at d porch on HIS way to d car! man! r THEY punctual or wat?!
& now HE's waiting in d car for me to change! & i must b crazy to b writing dis!... now!
gtg!

Regrets I Have Many...

...but at present among the biggest must be: giving HIM my handphone number!

HE called & said HE wanna meet me for lunch. the best part, HE's expecting me to cook for HIM because HE's coming over!

i just made a simple "nasi goreng Cina" (Chinese Fried Rice) with a couple of "ikan kembung bakar" (grilled blue mackerel) complete with its complimentary dip made out of "air asam" (tamarind&lime)! i had a small plate of "cencaluk" (pickled shrimps) for some traditional effect. would've put "tempoyak" (pickled durian paste) which even i find unpalatable, pity i dont keep any! & i prepared all within an hour! I could have been a chef!...

& i could have avoided all this b.s.! you know what? when all this is over i might really become a chef in some tropical island in mediterranean or caribs or... it suddenly dawns to me. if this is over, i still wouldnt be able to keep them away, just like d way it is right now.

gtg, HE's here! 1234hours sharp! my 1st ever lunch guest!

Now That I've Got The Guts...

...it just had to be told! certainly THEY have more important things to do than search for key words on blogs! so lets take that chance...

i'm just a silly govt servant a few years back. had an important post at a sensitive Govt Dept. maybe because i got that job too fast too early, lets just say i couldnt keep my feet on the ground. as things go in all Govt depts anywhere on Earth, backstabbing & asslicking aint something unheard of, so it was where i held that post. my handful staff sure did show loyalty to some degree, but that cant be said of other neighboring departments. maybe its all because i was promoted to Deputy Director at the age of 26, maybe because the post in itself is an enviable position that handles in pushing forward proposals to the Deputy Prime Minister (DPM), & those could end up with lucrative contracts being offered to private companies.

i got this position nevertheless for my investigative & whistleblowing prowess. in fact i was made Assistant Deputy Director just a couple of months earlier before being offered the DD post. the great part was i hold the record of swiftest ascent in this Ministry's heirarchy. the fucked up part was i got it because i rat out on the guy whom i replaced! c'est la vie.. i said. man, how i regret ever agreeing to the appointment.

wait... HE's calling!

(i'll explain who's HE/THEY later)

Is This A Dream... Or A Nightmare?

i still cant comprehend things that had happened for the past 24 hours. could all these really be true? could all this happen? maybe its all a bad joke if it aint an extended dream!

i need to share it with someone but HE said: "Please dont share this with anyone... not with your goldfish when you feed him, not even with your dick when your peeing." and i had to admit that i did smiled because it rhymes!

but when he left Times Square i wasnt smiling. even tho im in the middle of Berjaya Times Square in KL, it certainly felt as cold as its namesake in NY in mid December!

this happend at about 11.30am yesterday... & all i had in my mind since then was what that middleaged Caucasian "handler" had proposed to me earlier.

im not sure whether i should be writing in detail.
i'm not good at this. im not good at telling how i feel. but i might be able to put into this blog what really happened.

it might sound confusing because i dont think im able to write everything in a single sitting (or posting). so i will be describing things that happened during 2 different periods at a time. but my story would basically be about:
1/ Pre-approach period - how it all started, which was about 2 years ago, up to 11.30am yesterday; and
2/ Present period - from the moment i was approached, which was about 24 hours ago.

as you read on you'll understand why time is 1 luxury that i dont have. & then you'd understand too why im in such a hurry to tell my story. but tell i must, for the truth wouldn't be known otherwise. but only if ive got the opportunity to do so. when ive got the time. if ive got the energy. & certainly...

...when ive got the guts.